I attended Martin Njihia‘s itara (visit by in-laws-to-be to the man’s home to ‘come see the bed’) on Saturday and loved the session that was arranged for him to receive words of wisdom by married men. He and other recently married men were given lots of tips. I picked up 10 highlights:
1. Your wife is not your sister
2. On the journey of marriage:
Marriage is intended to be permanent. The end of the journey is death. On a journey if your car gets a puncture you don’t blame it or abandon it. You take on the task of fixing it as fast as possible and then move on.
3. On love and loyalty:
Renew your marriage continuously through acts of love, attention, kindness and forgiveness. Make it your gold to grow your friendship.
4. On communication:
Learn to talk, even about tough things. Don’t keep things in your mind. Bottled up anger and frustration will eventually kill you.
5. On in-laws and your parents:
You now have two fathers and two mothers. Listen to both. Treat both equally, at a distance. No side should take over your home.
6. On your responsibilities:
- Men are commanded by God to love their wives. It is more difficult to love than to submit.
- Establish the processes and routines and scenarios that completely fulfill her needs — above your needs.
- When your wife is carrying a baby it is when she needs you most.
- Raising children is a 20+ job. Commit to do it well; don’t abandon it to your wife, teachers or the house help.
7. On leadership:
- Don’t allow yourself to become a mugumo (wild fig; strangler fig) tree that colonized, strangles and overshadows other, smaller trees. Instead encourage and support your wife (and children) to grow. Grow together.
- On management: don’t be always reacting. Work with a plan for your marriage and family. Respond to issues calmly and thoroughly. See your plans through, adjusting as circumstances change
8. On arguments:
- Women are always right. If she is wrong and apologizes let the matter rest. If you insist on your side and you fail you will be reminded for life.
- Take the bigger proportion of your wife’s failures and always let her take the bigger portion of your successes.
9. On investments:
Whether you do go into business or not, choose passive investments that will grow and outlive you. Eg planting trees, buying a plot of land or buying shares of good companies.
10. On faith and church matters:
Believe in the God. Belong to a church and serve actively: your service to God and society is the only lasting legacy you can build.
- Draw your security from God, not your wife. He is more solid. If she slips you can wrap your arms around her and trust God to carry you both
- For self renewal, establish a place in your home that you call your altar.
11. On friendships:
Pursue friendships with older men. They know more than your peers. Friendships with your peers come naturally.
12. Books on marriage:
Be sure to read Larry Crabb’s The Marriage Builder: A Blueprint for Couples and Counselors (Zondervan Publishing Company, 1982)
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Haron Wachira 